Come dine with me! Some of the dishes may be particularly crunchy.

Food shopping seriously is THE worst activity ever. After clothes shopping, being chased by pigeons, wearing heels, and running for a bus, missing it then having to style it out like you were going for a brisk jog anyway, it's definitely THE WORST.

I mean, what EXACTLY is the point of having food in your fridge when you'd rather bathe your eyes in acid than actually cook something? What is the point when you come home from work so tired that you dive straight from the front door right into your deliciously warm and loving bed?

But, following an incident where I was essentially described as 'a pathetic tramp' by my own friends and family, I headed down to the local Tesco to give shopping a whirl. Yes, I was going to buy fine salad ingredients and fresh bread and salmon fillets and basmati rice! My trolley would be filled with milk and eggs and bacon and sausages and Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and washing up liquid! In short, I would be NORMAL! I would be normal.

Unfortunately things didn't go quite as well as one would hope for. FYI, this is what I came home with:







At some point during the journey, I must have developed a sharp hankering after the happy days of 1980s West Indian bring a bottle house parties. That would really be the only way to explain why my next purchase was this:



and this:



In case you're confused, that equals this:



Looking back, I'm actually very happy with my purchases. Because there is not a single goddamned lasagne or sausage sandwich in the land that can provide the happiness that a pack of highlighters can bring. No way.