Coming soon: "What Would King Tubby Do?"

Series Description: Got a problem at home or work that you just can't get your head around? Here's an idea: stop spazzing out, grab a cuppa and just think: what would King Tubby do in this situation? That's exactly what our panel will be trying out in this HILARIOUS new quiz show that'll guarantee you a DUBBING good time! Best of all, you'll be surprised at how your life will change thanks to King Tubby's solutions - but whether that's for the better or worse is ANYONE'S guess!

"What Would King Tubby Do?" coming soon to Rebelle Without A Pause.

I'm not one to dream about money but DAMN!

Imagine, imagine, imagine!

(P.S. as you can see, I've used the 'Imagine, imagine, imagine!' call to action as a clever device that enables me to not write very much. Now if you could just imagine the rest of my blogs for the week that'd be great. Thanks.)

Photo props: David Jones Photograph

Never get tired of this clip. Except Treach's bit, I get tired of that a lot.

Can you imagine how AMAZING this would be with the rappers of today? Akon and Young Jeezy and Kanye and Lil Wayne and, oh, of course Lil Mama on the stairs next to Arsenio there?

Wouldn't it be great?

Oh sorry, I made a typo.

Wouldn't it be totally fucking shit?

OUT OF STOCK =(

Come on Whittard, pull your finger out... I NEEEEEED this shit back in my life man!

One reason to be happy this weekend is over

Fireworks scare the shit out of me.

Techno Por Favor

Out of all the genres I play, it's always the classic electronic soul music of Chicago and Detroit that gets people coming up to me afterwards to say they loved the selection. There's just something so immensely beautiful and powerful about it that hits you right in your heart and stays with you forever.

It's kind of dangerous because you know one day far, far away in the future, after some nuclear apocalypse that you've managed to survive, you'll find an old iPod lying in the gutter and this tune will be on it and the overwhelming feelings and memories would just totally fuck you up.


(That tune's actually called "Brownstone Express" by the way)

Seriously, this music is just too much to bear!

I have a list of people I'd love this man to unleash his fury on. Obviously I'm not on it.

The Thick of It

Hair today, gone yesterday, back tomorrow etc etc

I'm getting ready to revive this shizzle so, in the meantime, get busy digging though the crates of keratinous magic. Read the Me and My Hair archives

I'm in love

I have a new boyfriend. Well, technically, he's more of a faceless limited company, but that's never stopped me getting my leg over in the past, and it sure as hell ain't gonna stop me now.

My new boyfriend's name is 'The Book People'. He's kind of like a travelling freak show circus, but instead of bearded women and three year old boys with 32DD tits, he tours from city to city with a megabus of magical books for sale at a fraction of their hight street cost with 10% of the profits going to charity and benefiting those in need such as the elderly and the sexually confused.

Doesn't he sound DREAMY?

Today my boyfriend came round to my work and he got me some totally amazing gifts, like this HUMUNGOUS The Times Complete History of the World book:


This tremendous The Worst Witch Collection:


And best of all, a Meg and Mog collection, in a fucking Meg and Mog bag! INSANIA!





I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is cheating on me with, I don't know, EVERYONE ELSE at my work and their mums, but I don't care. I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

Remember remember the 2nd of December

I will be coming straight from work so basically look out for the girl on the decks dressed like a dick. In other words, I may actually be wearing SHOES!

The taste of paradise

I'm gonna be here

[Click image to enlarge]

Drinking lots of this


And then you'll have to wipe up my sick with this


And if that hasn't convinced you to come then NOTHING WILL.

How delicious vinyl records are made. Mmmmmm!

I seriously think this might be the sexiest thing I have ever watched:



Part 2


I was thinking about re-enacting this process in human form, for example, I would stick labels on your face, you would cut and trim my ragged edges, I would punch you to represent punching the hole in the middle etc etc. If you are interested, get in touch and then after that we can get married or whatever.

Watch Up at the cinema but don't throw up at the cinema

I forgot to tell you that, despite the fact that I'm not really that much of a Pixar person, I saw UP the other day and it was so amazing that it made me laugh a lot and it also made me cry a lot and I wasn't even due for my period or anything. So basically you should see it too but don't order popcorn and then start gagging on the kernels and have to put your fingers down your throat to regurgitate it up in the middle of the film like I did because that it doesn't look sexy and your date probably won't call you again and then you'll really wish you just stuck to ice cream even though you know the ice cream in that cinema tastes like total shit.

Lara, let's put the past behind us.

I miss playing Tomb Raider.

Many moons ago, I dedicated several months to clocking Tomb Raider 2. I fought wild animals and swam through the canals of Venice. I traversed the Great Wall of China and explored sunken ships. I was happy, and as I got closer to the end of the game, I felt an impending sensation of unbridled joy and accomplishment.

Then one day, I came home from college and found a letter from my sister on my bed. Strange, I thought. We live together so why would she need to write me a letter?

I unfolded the paper, unaware of the tragedy that was about to befall me.

Dear Josey, it began. I'm sorry to tell you this in a letter, but I am scared to tell you to your face. When you were at college, I turned on the PlayStation to play Abe's Oddysse. I broke through to a new level at last, and I saved the game on your memory stick. I'm so sorry to tell you this, but I accidentally saved it over your Tomb Raider memory slot. Since then I have gone crazy trying to undo what I have done. But I know this will be little comfort to you. I am sorry.

Reader, I was devastated. And Abe's fucking Oddysee of all games. A stupid annoying little gimp running around on some fucking industrial pipes for twenty levels. Surely the shittest Sony release of the twentieth century.

I was so devastated that I couldn't talk to my sister for two weeks and she had to send me another letter asking if I would be her friend again.

While my relationship with my sister was salvaged, I found it so hard to go back to Lara Croft. All that hard work just gone. I couldn't go back. I couldn't have my heart broken again.

Now, as I sit here in my rocking chair, barely able to recognise my shrivelled face in the looking glass, I find that I miss Lara so very much.

I miss her determination, her guts. I miss her arsenal of weapons, her dazzling flares lighting up the midnight sky. I miss the way she kind of grunts when she climbs up a wall, the way she dies when I purposely drown her. I don't miss her ridiculously oversized tits and I don't miss her annoying fuckwit butler that follows her everywhere like a zombified cunt but if you balance out the things I miss and the things I don't miss then I think the final result is still a miss.

Lara was my friend.

No, reader, Lara IS my friend. She is my friend.

Catch me if you can! Not literally; if you touch me I'll kill you.

I'm playing the very first set (10.30 - 11.30) here


And I'm playing the very last set (12 - 1) here


Come be my groupie! x

TONIGHT: REGULATE!

AND...I'm playing back to back with SHAR WAH!

Things I Hate About Facebook - Part 1 (of 107,935)

I hate when you go to an event page and people can't just hit the 'Not Attending' button, they can't just leave a message saying 'Sorry, can't make it, will def be at the next one!"...no, they have to say "Sorry, I'm in Paris that day" or "No can do, will be working in NY" or "Man, I'm at Bobby Davro's wedding all weekend!"

WHO GIVES A SHIT?

Seriously fuck off and stop showing off about your sad and pathetic but ultimately quite fun and rewarding life. Especially you, yeah, you, the one at Bobby Davro's wedding. I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE BUT I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED.

Tossers.

Got my 'nails did'. Shit, I just barfed in my mouth typing that.

This is the first time in my entire life that I've ever had my nails done at a nail salon so don't think I've turned into a 'lady' or any crazy shit like that.



Of course, I had them done to match my beautiful bonsai camo tracksuit and, OF COURSE, I had them done at WAH NAILS baby!

I'm too tired to think of a headline

I am so tired! I know everyone says they're tired these days, it's like the new black or whatever, but I REALLY AM MUCH MORE TIRED THAN YOU! And I can PROVE IT!

Today I did ALL these things:
- Showed the bus driver my security pass!
- Held my arm out on the tube platform to ask the train to stop!
- Showed my bus pass to the security guard!
- Laughed at really silly things like a piece of cheese lying on the floor!
- Walked to the door then walked back and then walked to the door then walked back!
- Lost everything!
- Said sorry to the dustbin when I knocked it over!
- Cried!
- Chatted absolute shit (like even more than normal)!
- Stayed on the bus twenty-five stops after I should have got off because I couldn't move!
- Spelt 'they're' 'their' and spelt 'where' 'were' *** CRIME SCENE *** !
- Fell asleep on the toilet!
- Googled pictures of beds like it was porn!

Now you believe that I'm tired right?

Basically, I don't give a shit how tired you THINK you are, this is you:



And this is me:


I WIN!

*BONUS!* > Why We Sleep

Amen, Brother