I'm moving to Australia

Got a problem with this post? We ain't at McDonald's baby, SO WHAT'S YOUR BEEF?

Now, 15 years later, I finally know something about Thomas More who my fricking school was named after

I've been ill in bed for the last few days and my only companions, apart from my ever-loving boyfriend, Sleep, have been The Tudors. I'm really not all that into TV programmes, but I literally watched 28 episodes across three seasons, almost back to back. I loved it. An hour long each. 28. Fuck...28?!! That's like more than an entire DAY of my life, not a normal day, like a working day, no an ACTUAL day, like how long it takes the moon to revolve around Mars or whatever! That's deep!

Anyway, as I was saying, I loved it. I loved it so much that it prompted me to make a life-changing decision regarding my communication methods - but you'll have to wait until I can be bothered to type it out to see what that decision is. Don't hold your breath or anything.

Do They Know A Summertime?

In response to a recent 'backlash' (i.e. three posts on my friend's Facebook page) against the patronising lyrics of Band Aid's 'Do They Know It's Christmas', I was recently 'commissioned' (i.e. decided to fast myself up) to re-write the lyrics. But instead of Bono and Bob Geldof being the driving force behind it all, it would instead be the turn of the gentle 'Mama Africa' to represent an entire continent and come forward to shower her pity on the poor people of Britain who have been deprived for so very long of a decent, basic summertime.

For the sake of remembrance, I decided to stick with the original melody. The new lyrics, however, are as follows, to be sung by Mama Africa as well as Nelson & Winnie Mandela (duet), Haile Gabrselassie and many other famous Africans.

Do They Know A Summertime
by Mama Africa

It’s summertime
There’s no need to be afraid
In summertime, we bathe in light and we banish shade
And as our bodies start a-melting, we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the sun, it’s summertime

But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
They don’t have the gift we have of the hot summer sun
There’s a place across the ocean
It’s a world that’s cold and rough
Where the days they are so cold it makes you freeze your bollocks off
And the only gifts from heaven
Are the rains and hailstones too
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!

And there won’t be sun in Engerland this summer
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is ice
(Ooooh) Where everyone is cold
And the streets are paved with mould
Do they know a summertime at all?

(Here’s to you) raise up your parasol
(Here’s to them) lend them some paramol
Do they know a summertime at all?

Warm the world
Let’s them know a summertime
Warm the world
Let them feel your golden shine again

Repeat then fade

Next project: creating a 'reverse-rap' and synchronised breakdance mime of Enoch Powell's Rivers of Blood speech

I Lost My Heart Have You Seen It?

Suzannah Pettigrew's solo show 'I Lost My Heart Have You Seen It?' runs from 12 December - 12 January 2010 at WAH Nails.

Come down and celebrate this Friday from 10pm at Anda De Bridge!

(Click image to enlarge)

If you're lucky, I'll let you put your hand down my record box.

Come dine with me! Some of the dishes may be particularly crunchy.

Food shopping seriously is THE worst activity ever. After clothes shopping, being chased by pigeons, wearing heels, and running for a bus, missing it then having to style it out like you were going for a brisk jog anyway, it's definitely THE WORST.

I mean, what EXACTLY is the point of having food in your fridge when you'd rather bathe your eyes in acid than actually cook something? What is the point when you come home from work so tired that you dive straight from the front door right into your deliciously warm and loving bed?

But, following an incident where I was essentially described as 'a pathetic tramp' by my own friends and family, I headed down to the local Tesco to give shopping a whirl. Yes, I was going to buy fine salad ingredients and fresh bread and salmon fillets and basmati rice! My trolley would be filled with milk and eggs and bacon and sausages and Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and washing up liquid! In short, I would be NORMAL! I would be normal.

Unfortunately things didn't go quite as well as one would hope for. FYI, this is what I came home with:







At some point during the journey, I must have developed a sharp hankering after the happy days of 1980s West Indian bring a bottle house parties. That would really be the only way to explain why my next purchase was this:



and this:



In case you're confused, that equals this:



Looking back, I'm actually very happy with my purchases. Because there is not a single goddamned lasagne or sausage sandwich in the land that can provide the happiness that a pack of highlighters can bring. No way.

A hole in my heart that will take at least 37 days to heal

When Borders Oxford Circus closed down earlier this year, I never dared to imagine that the bad news mightn't end there. Yet my heart aches as I type the devastating news that BORDERS HAS GONE INTO ADMINISTRATION! This is sad, sad times.

If you'd ever visited the Oxford Street or Angel branches after 9pm, you may have seen me drifting betwixt their delicious aisles, like some ridiculous hobo with no life, no friends, no aspirations and, basically, no hope. It really is the end of an era.

(For Borders, that is. I'll still be a ridiculous hobo, I'll just have to do it in Superdrugs instead.)

Tonight's the night like Betty Wright

Dear 8 February 2010, please hurry.

Sshhhh, don't tell anyone...

...but my three tunes are this, this and this.

SCHTANDARD.

My brother sent me this. He loves snakes.

He also loves SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

I've got sooooo many stories to tell you about my beloved older brother lovingly SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME! and my sister on an ongoing basis when we were little, using the power of snakes, cats, dogs and tarantulas (no lie), but I'm still hyperventilating from this video so let's touch base on that another day.

Punctuation fail

Got to admit this is one of the most innovative uses of an apostrophe I've seen, but it's my local hospital so I'll allow them. The person responsible was probably typing out the text with one hand and performing a complicated triple bypass with the other. Give him a break already for god's sake.

Bounty sampler mixed by Radi Dadi

Something toasty to warm you up for next weekend's sexiness!



Bounty Facebook page

Kamikaze pigeons

Over the last couple of months, at least three people have told me stories about pigeons flying straight into their closed windows at home, sometimes dying as a result, sometimes just lying there or squirming around like a semi-aroused dick.

Three people. In my opinion, a kamikaze pigeon epidemic.

Now, my feelings about pigeons have been well documented on this blog and elsewhere. I won't go into details but let's just say a pigeon wouldn't get it from me in the shower.

So here's a message to all pigeons: STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DOUBLE GLAZING.

If you want to kill yourself or simply just give out a cry for help because you're feeling rejected or whatever, that's your business. Just do not involve me and my flat. I'm serious.

(p.s. I'M SCARED.)

Dumb Movie Slogan of the Day

WE WERE WARNED...NOW HOW WILL 6 BILLION PEOPLE SURVIVE THE END OF THE WORLD?

What a dumbass question to pose! Obviously if it's THE END OF THE FRICKING WORLD, they're not actually gonna survive, are they? So why would you ask that, wasting the valuable time of good, innocent commuters on the London Underground by making them first of all read your dumb poster, and secondly think about, even if only for one precious second, a way that humanity could actually survive THE END OF THE WORLD? I mean, if there's no world, where are we gonna fucking STAND for one thing? It's a pretty fundamental concern, you know, whether we'll be able to carry on as a race while all suspended in outer space with no oxygen and stuff.

Oh, but WAIT A MINUTE! Maybe America, the greatest nation of all time, will halt the Earth's decline? Maybe they'll magically end the end of the world?

No, no, a ludicrous idea! Hollywood would never do such a thing!

Coming soon: "What Would King Tubby Do?"

Series Description: Got a problem at home or work that you just can't get your head around? Here's an idea: stop spazzing out, grab a cuppa and just think: what would King Tubby do in this situation? That's exactly what our panel will be trying out in this HILARIOUS new quiz show that'll guarantee you a DUBBING good time! Best of all, you'll be surprised at how your life will change thanks to King Tubby's solutions - but whether that's for the better or worse is ANYONE'S guess!

"What Would King Tubby Do?" coming soon to Rebelle Without A Pause.

I'm not one to dream about money but DAMN!

Imagine, imagine, imagine!

(P.S. as you can see, I've used the 'Imagine, imagine, imagine!' call to action as a clever device that enables me to not write very much. Now if you could just imagine the rest of my blogs for the week that'd be great. Thanks.)

Photo props: David Jones Photograph

Never get tired of this clip. Except Treach's bit, I get tired of that a lot.

Can you imagine how AMAZING this would be with the rappers of today? Akon and Young Jeezy and Kanye and Lil Wayne and, oh, of course Lil Mama on the stairs next to Arsenio there?

Wouldn't it be great?

Oh sorry, I made a typo.

Wouldn't it be totally fucking shit?

OUT OF STOCK =(

Come on Whittard, pull your finger out... I NEEEEEED this shit back in my life man!

One reason to be happy this weekend is over

Fireworks scare the shit out of me.

Techno Por Favor

Out of all the genres I play, it's always the classic electronic soul music of Chicago and Detroit that gets people coming up to me afterwards to say they loved the selection. There's just something so immensely beautiful and powerful about it that hits you right in your heart and stays with you forever.

It's kind of dangerous because you know one day far, far away in the future, after some nuclear apocalypse that you've managed to survive, you'll find an old iPod lying in the gutter and this tune will be on it and the overwhelming feelings and memories would just totally fuck you up.


(That tune's actually called "Brownstone Express" by the way)

Seriously, this music is just too much to bear!