This is your idea of a challenge, MI6? I SPIT ON YOUR CHALLENGE!
INT. TUBE TRAIN - KING'S CROSS STATION
Me (to man on right): Hi!
Man: Er...hello.
Me: I was just wondering, did we go to school together?
Man (blushing): Well, that's very flattering my dear, but I'm sure I'm old enough to be your father.
Me: Oh, you look so young! You were born in 1954 too?
Man: No, dear child, I was born in 1949!
BINGO! YEAR OF BIRTH ESTABLISHED AS 1949.
INT. TUBE TRAIN - EUSTON STATION
Me: So, what are your plans for your birthday this year? Nice summer bbq with the family?
Man: No, all my family are dead.
Me: Oh, that's a shame! They died on the month of your birthday?
Man: No, Bob died in January. Mandy died in February. Linda died in March, followed by Mama Dee who died in April. The triplets died over the next three months, one in each month. Then James killed Tony in September, and he killed Tony's brother, who it turns out Tony was having a relationship with, in October. Then James killed himself in November. On December 31 at 11.59, I died on the operating table, but then they brought me back to life, like two minutes later.
BINGO! MONTH OF BIRTH ESTABLISHED AS AUGUST.
INT. TUBE TRAIN - WARREN STREET
Me: Hey, I was just thinking about how great it was when the Fourth Geneva Convention was agreed to!
Man: Yeah, I suppose.
Me: Of course, it wasn't as good as when Bhutan became independent.
Man: Um, I don't really know.
Me: But of course, my favourite thing to think about is the magical day that the last six surviving veterans of the American Civil War met in Indianapolis.
Man: Hey, I think that happened on my birthday!
BINGO! DATE OF BIRTH ESTABLISHED AS AUGUST 28 1949
AND WE HAVEN'T REACHED OXFORD CIRCUS YET! I WIN, MOTHERFUGGERS, I WIN!
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
So, when do I start?
Monday, 22 February 2010
KEEP PLASTIC PEOPLE ALIVE
This is so heartbreaking to me that I can't even think straight. The police are trying to close Plastic People down.
Join the Keep Plastic People Alive Facebook group for updates.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Wake the town, tell the people
More amazing RedBullery from familiar faces - this time it's mega-brained rude girl Melissa Bradshaw who's only gone and bleedin' written an amazoid feature on sound system culture. It starts from page 4 of yesterday's RBMA Daily Note.
Sadly I don't have a photo of Melissa doing something crazy like wearing audio cables as a belt but I do have this photo of an evil cat trying to escape the relaxing delights of a nice, hot bath:
Awwww, look who it is!
I just visited the Red Bull Music Academy site and look whose little face was staring back at me! It's none other than BENI BLANCO! You may remember him from blockbusters such as NON-SENSE at Plastic People, and also he's the only person cool enough to wear a bunch of audio cables as a trendy belt. THAT'S JUST HOW HE ROLLS.
GOOOOOOO BEN!
Oh yeah, sorry, read the actual feature here.
That sure sounds familiar...
Yes, of course! It's only from one of the greatest films of all time! You scum sucking pig! You son of a motherless goat! VIVA LOS AMIGOS, BABY!
While somewhat unrelated, this scene is clearly the best comedy moment in history. Even better than that bit in Only Fools and Horses when Del Boy falls through the bar.
Actually, that was pretty funny.
No. No, this is definitely funnier.
Josey the Racist Pancake =(
Got a friend of African heritage? Why not mark Shrove Tuesday by blacking up a pancake with Nutella so it looks just like them? They're sure to love it!
Review: "Damn, massa, they sure does taste good! You know how us black folks gots sweet toothedness!" - PancakeLover79
Happy Birthday Hair
I thought this was gonna annoy me at first but then I loved it and I wished she was my best friend but then I realised I don't want a best friend but then I remembered the saying 'No man is an island' and I wished she was my best friend again but then I remembered I'm not a man so maybe a woman can be an island and then I thought about what island I would be be and I finally settled on Craggy Island cos that's where Father Ted's from and I love Father Ted although he doesn't live there anymore, mainly because he's dead now.
Monday, 15 February 2010
Saturday, 13 February 2010
Ah, it's Valentine's Day tomorrow!
Just reminded me of the AMAZING time I had when I went speed dating two years ago, as documented on the original WAH blog >>>
I did twenty men in one night and all I got was this lousy attitude
Were you thinking I was dead? I'm not dead.
It's just that every time I start to blog, something more interesting happens, like my tea completes its brew cycle or I fall asleep with all my clothes on.
Mmmmm tea.
Tea really is one of the best things about this goddamned life. Tea would get it from me in the shower.
(Yes, that really was the best post I could come up with after not blogging for 13 days.)
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Playing 90s soul and 90s hip hop at this on Sunday...
...and when no-one's looking maybe I'll slide in some 90s jungle and 90s garage! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
Friday, 22 January 2010
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Sorry to keep going on about ice...
...but why would you walk this fast unless you actually WANTED to be made a fool of on national TV?
(I'm really sorry but the more you watch that drop, the better it gets. I hope my own drops have given passers-by the chuckles in equal measure.)
Dear God, please don't read this and make me fall over again, thanks.
As previously documented, I hate ice. It's just a fact of life. Move on, there's nothing to see here.
Yet, in a strangely sensual way, I'm kind of excited that it's lingering on for so long, and that the temperature has droppped tonight.
Let me explain.
I am waiting for a special delivery.
It's not just any delivery. It's a delivery that will make me look like a massive cock in front of all my colleagues if the ice has already thawed. It's a delivery that will make me look like the world's greatest stuntman and all round sex goddess if it hasn't.
It's these*:
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!
I don't think you understand. When they arrive, I will be able to run on ice. I will be able to dance on ice. I will be able to do the running man ON ICE.
THIS IS DEEP SHIT!
Jealous much?
*Feet and legs not included
Monday, 11 January 2010
An INCREDIBLE glimpse into the future present
Well, we all know Elvis died kinda young stuffing his face with Big Macs on the khazi or whetever, but have you ever wondered: WHAT WOULD ELVIS LOOK LIKE TODAY? Man, I wonder that shit all the time!
Okay, so this is what Elvis looked like before he died:
And THIS, dear readers, is how some amazingly talented computer graphics genius has figured out he would look today, using the mighty power of TECHNOLOGY:
Wow, he looks so old! Amazing, eh? He looks, I dunno, at least SEVEN MINUTES OLDER! You could have least have given him a change of clothes you lazy bastards! People do tend to change their clothes over the course of thirty years, you know. It's not, like, unheard of.
I COULD HAVE MOCKED THAT FUTURE FACE UP IN MICROSOFT PAINT!
Hang on...hold that thought for two minutes...
Okay, so this is MY interpretation of what Elvis would have looked like today:
Let me just talk you through it:
1. He's got grey hair and glasses now, obviously (this is basic stuff, designers, basic stuff!)
2. He has become a bit racist in his old age and now sports a Hitler-style moustache.
3. A few years ago, he had a mid-life crisis and got a gold hoop earring and a gold tooth to match.
4. He is still ahead of the fashion game and is now rocking a trendy plaid shirt that wouldn't look out of place on the glittering streets of Shoreditch.
5. But underneath the shirt he's wearing a scarf cos now that he's old he gets colds all the time and he doesn't like to be sick - come on, does anybody?
6. Finally, it's snowing in the UK and he's on European tour (first stop the Bull and Gate, Kentish Town) so clearly there will be snow in the background.
So, a PERFECT representation of what Elvis would look like now. See what you lazy designers can achieve when you just put in a LITTLE bit of effort?
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Give us this day our daily Sade #1
As the countdown begins to the release of Sade's new 'Soldier of Love' LP next month, let's skip lovingly down memory lane and frolic in the aural delights of this most wonderful, wonderful group of people.
Today's offering is a beauty from Sade's debut album 'Diamond Life' which was released in 1984. 'Hang on to your Love' was the band's first US single.
Friday, 8 January 2010
Best Facebook Status Update of the Year
Dude, my 11 year old cousin is a UPPERCASE G STORYTELLER! ♥♥♥
Oh my god someone kill this ice already
I seriously can't understand how everyone in my ends is able to walk competently, even SPEEDILY on ice, yet, the minute my feet touch the ground I'm slipping and sliding like a motherlicker.
This morning before leaving for work, I looked out of the window in wonder of the passing non-slip pedestrians, in much the same way a tramp would look through the window of a rich man at a banquet. I was in awe! They walked just like normal! They didn't slide! They were getting on with it! It was business as usual!
Of course, when I went outside it was a different story.
I'm not gonna bang on about it but let's just say that ice wouldn't get it from me in the shower.
Today I even got a cab back from the station just to avoid the ice even though the station is literally three minutes away from my house. I could see the cab driver looking at me funny when I told him my destination so I limped to the car as though I had this really rare and dangerous leg injury and he seemed to buy it so that was good.
I HATE THE ICE! I HATE IT! =(
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness
Todd Edwards at Fabric this Friday
Todd Edwards at Fabric this Friday
Todd Edwards at Fabric this Friday
Todd Edwards at Fabric this Friday
TODD EDWARDS AT MOTHERFUGGIN FABRIC THIS FRIDAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!
If these tunes don't do something deep to your soul then I can't be your friend anymore.
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Monday, 4 January 2010
Looky Likey, Wrongy...no, RIGHTY!
Went round to a friends recently and we all watched Mannequin, that 80s classic about a dirty pervert who tries to have sex with a shop dummy that isn't designed for such activity, for example, it doesn't have any kind of entrance hole, you know, down there, for a large portion of the film.
Anyway, I can't remember who exactly made this observation halfway through, but SOMEONE - and let's bear in mind that both the people I'm thinking of are respectable and hip ladies - seemed to be under the impression that
HE
looks like
HIM
Er, no. I'm sorry, but, no.
Hold on...actually...
He is kinda hot now that I really study him. Yeah, he's REAL HOT!
Yum yum...I've got a crush on Captain Harris!
Monday, 28 December 2009
I have found a cure for AIDS, cancer, swine flu, grievous bodily harm, poverty, global warming etc etc!
When it was really icy last week, I slipped and fell HARD in the middle of the road because some driver decided to speed up, and then, instead of checking if I was okay since I was, you know, just lying there HALF DEAD, s/he just drove around me like I was a piece of shit. Which was nice.
The ice may now have thawed but my leg is still bruised and hurting. Having consulted with my wise St. Lucia family, the following cures were suggested:
Have a hot bath
Have a hot bath and put some salt on it
Rub some Vicks into it
Rub some Vicks and rum into it
Rub some Vicks into it and drink the rum
Crush some tumeric and rub it in
Crush some tumeric, add Vicks and rub it all in
In other, words, all hail the mighty power of VICKS VAPORUB!
Seriously, someone PLEASE get in touch with the world's top scientists! Those cats been looking for a cure for all these diseases and the cure's been under their noses the whole time. LITERALLY!
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
I'm moving to Australia
Got a problem with this post? We ain't at McDonald's baby, SO WHAT'S YOUR BEEF?
