Saturday, 30 January 2010
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Playing 90s soul and 90s hip hop at this on Sunday...
...and when no-one's looking maybe I'll slide in some 90s jungle and 90s garage! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
Friday, 22 January 2010
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Sorry to keep going on about ice...
...but why would you walk this fast unless you actually WANTED to be made a fool of on national TV?
(I'm really sorry but the more you watch that drop, the better it gets. I hope my own drops have given passers-by the chuckles in equal measure.)
Dear God, please don't read this and make me fall over again, thanks.
As previously documented, I hate ice. It's just a fact of life. Move on, there's nothing to see here.
Yet, in a strangely sensual way, I'm kind of excited that it's lingering on for so long, and that the temperature has droppped tonight.
Let me explain.
I am waiting for a special delivery.
It's not just any delivery. It's a delivery that will make me look like a massive cock in front of all my colleagues if the ice has already thawed. It's a delivery that will make me look like the world's greatest stuntman and all round sex goddess if it hasn't.
It's these*:
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!
I don't think you understand. When they arrive, I will be able to run on ice. I will be able to dance on ice. I will be able to do the running man ON ICE.
THIS IS DEEP SHIT!
Jealous much?
*Feet and legs not included
Monday, 11 January 2010
Was it by giving birth? Is that how you lost it? HUH? IS THAT HOW YOU LOST IT?
BITCH, THAT AIN'T YOU!
An INCREDIBLE glimpse into the future present
Well, we all know Elvis died kinda young stuffing his face with Big Macs on the khazi or whetever, but have you ever wondered: WHAT WOULD ELVIS LOOK LIKE TODAY? Man, I wonder that shit all the time!
Okay, so this is what Elvis looked like before he died:
And THIS, dear readers, is how some amazingly talented computer graphics genius has figured out he would look today, using the mighty power of TECHNOLOGY:
Wow, he looks so old! Amazing, eh? He looks, I dunno, at least SEVEN MINUTES OLDER! You could have least have given him a change of clothes you lazy bastards! People do tend to change their clothes over the course of thirty years, you know. It's not, like, unheard of.
I COULD HAVE MOCKED THAT FUTURE FACE UP IN MICROSOFT PAINT!
Hang on...hold that thought for two minutes...
Okay, so this is MY interpretation of what Elvis would have looked like today:
Let me just talk you through it:
1. He's got grey hair and glasses now, obviously (this is basic stuff, designers, basic stuff!)
2. He has become a bit racist in his old age and now sports a Hitler-style moustache.
3. A few years ago, he had a mid-life crisis and got a gold hoop earring and a gold tooth to match.
4. He is still ahead of the fashion game and is now rocking a trendy plaid shirt that wouldn't look out of place on the glittering streets of Shoreditch.
5. But underneath the shirt he's wearing a scarf cos now that he's old he gets colds all the time and he doesn't like to be sick - come on, does anybody?
6. Finally, it's snowing in the UK and he's on European tour (first stop the Bull and Gate, Kentish Town) so clearly there will be snow in the background.
So, a PERFECT representation of what Elvis would look like now. See what you lazy designers can achieve when you just put in a LITTLE bit of effort?
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Give us this day our daily Sade #1
As the countdown begins to the release of Sade's new 'Soldier of Love' LP next month, let's skip lovingly down memory lane and frolic in the aural delights of this most wonderful, wonderful group of people.
Today's offering is a beauty from Sade's debut album 'Diamond Life' which was released in 1984. 'Hang on to your Love' was the band's first US single.
Friday, 8 January 2010
Best Facebook Status Update of the Year
Dude, my 11 year old cousin is a UPPERCASE G STORYTELLER! ♥♥♥
Oh my god someone kill this ice already
I seriously can't understand how everyone in my ends is able to walk competently, even SPEEDILY on ice, yet, the minute my feet touch the ground I'm slipping and sliding like a motherlicker.
This morning before leaving for work, I looked out of the window in wonder of the passing non-slip pedestrians, in much the same way a tramp would look through the window of a rich man at a banquet. I was in awe! They walked just like normal! They didn't slide! They were getting on with it! It was business as usual!
Of course, when I went outside it was a different story.
I'm not gonna bang on about it but let's just say that ice wouldn't get it from me in the shower.
Today I even got a cab back from the station just to avoid the ice even though the station is literally three minutes away from my house. I could see the cab driver looking at me funny when I told him my destination so I limped to the car as though I had this really rare and dangerous leg injury and he seemed to buy it so that was good.
I HATE THE ICE! I HATE IT! =(
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness
Todd Edwards at Fabric this Friday
Todd Edwards at Fabric this Friday
Todd Edwards at Fabric this Friday
Todd Edwards at Fabric this Friday
TODD EDWARDS AT MOTHERFUGGIN FABRIC THIS FRIDAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!
If these tunes don't do something deep to your soul then I can't be your friend anymore.
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Monday, 4 January 2010
Looky Likey, Wrongy...no, RIGHTY!
Went round to a friends recently and we all watched Mannequin, that 80s classic about a dirty pervert who tries to have sex with a shop dummy that isn't designed for such activity, for example, it doesn't have any kind of entrance hole, you know, down there, for a large portion of the film.
Anyway, I can't remember who exactly made this observation halfway through, but SOMEONE - and let's bear in mind that both the people I'm thinking of are respectable and hip ladies - seemed to be under the impression that
HE
looks like
HIM
Er, no. I'm sorry, but, no.
Hold on...actually...
He is kinda hot now that I really study him. Yeah, he's REAL HOT!
Yum yum...I've got a crush on Captain Harris!
Monday, 28 December 2009
I have found a cure for AIDS, cancer, swine flu, grievous bodily harm, poverty, global warming etc etc!
When it was really icy last week, I slipped and fell HARD in the middle of the road because some driver decided to speed up, and then, instead of checking if I was okay since I was, you know, just lying there HALF DEAD, s/he just drove around me like I was a piece of shit. Which was nice.
The ice may now have thawed but my leg is still bruised and hurting. Having consulted with my wise St. Lucia family, the following cures were suggested:
Have a hot bath
Have a hot bath and put some salt on it
Rub some Vicks into it
Rub some Vicks and rum into it
Rub some Vicks into it and drink the rum
Crush some tumeric and rub it in
Crush some tumeric, add Vicks and rub it all in
In other, words, all hail the mighty power of VICKS VAPORUB!
Seriously, someone PLEASE get in touch with the world's top scientists! Those cats been looking for a cure for all these diseases and the cure's been under their noses the whole time. LITERALLY!
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
I'm moving to Australia
Got a problem with this post? We ain't at McDonald's baby, SO WHAT'S YOUR BEEF?
Now, 15 years later, I finally know something about Thomas More who my fricking school was named after
I've been ill in bed for the last few days and my only companions, apart from my ever-loving boyfriend, Sleep, have been The Tudors. I'm really not all that into TV programmes, but I literally watched 28 episodes across three seasons, almost back to back. I loved it. An hour long each. 28. Fuck...28?!! That's like more than an entire DAY of my life, not a normal day, like a working day, no an ACTUAL day, like how long it takes the moon to revolve around Mars or whatever! That's deep!
Anyway, as I was saying, I loved it. I loved it so much that it prompted me to make a life-changing decision regarding my communication methods - but you'll have to wait until I can be bothered to type it out to see what that decision is. Don't hold your breath or anything.
Do They Know A Summertime?
In response to a recent 'backlash' (i.e. three posts on my friend's Facebook page) against the patronising lyrics of Band Aid's 'Do They Know It's Christmas', I was recently 'commissioned' (i.e. decided to fast myself up) to re-write the lyrics. But instead of Bono and Bob Geldof being the driving force behind it all, it would instead be the turn of the gentle 'Mama Africa' to represent an entire continent and come forward to shower her pity on the poor people of Britain who have been deprived for so very long of a decent, basic summertime.
For the sake of remembrance, I decided to stick with the original melody. The new lyrics, however, are as follows, to be sung by Mama Africa as well as Nelson & Winnie Mandela (duet), Haile Gabrselassie and many other famous Africans.
Do They Know A Summertime
by Mama Africa
It’s summertime
There’s no need to be afraid
In summertime, we bathe in light and we banish shade
And as our bodies start a-melting, we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the sun, it’s summertime
But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
They don’t have the gift we have of the hot summer sun
There’s a place across the ocean
It’s a world that’s cold and rough
Where the days they are so cold it makes you freeze your bollocks off
And the only gifts from heaven
Are the rains and hailstones too
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!
And there won’t be sun in Engerland this summer
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is ice
(Ooooh) Where everyone is cold
And the streets are paved with mould
Do they know a summertime at all?
(Here’s to you) raise up your parasol
(Here’s to them) lend them some paramol
Do they know a summertime at all?
Warm the world
Let’s them know a summertime
Warm the world
Let them feel your golden shine again
Repeat then fade
Next project: creating a 'reverse-rap' and synchronised breakdance mime of Enoch Powell's Rivers of Blood speech
